Tuesday, February 7, 2012

equanimity

e-qua-nim-i-ty
-noun
1. mental or emotional stability or composure, esp. under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.

I do not possess equanimity.  I’ve been taking yoga for years in hopes of achieving just that and yet I can’t seem to find it. I’ve spent years saying it didn’t matter, that the way I handle things under tension is just who I am and people just have to deal with it.  But I’m (almost) 38  and no matter how many times I tell myself my actions are acceptable, they aren’t.  And now I may have just lost a friend due to my inability to wrangle this elusive quality.  

Last night my yoga teacher had just returned from a weekend workshop where finding your equanimity was the main focus and so last night’s  yoga class was steeped in this search.  This was surprisingly fitting since it was just the day before when I may have permanently broken a bond.  What’s funny is my Monday night yoga class seems to be the only place I can find the stability and composure I’m always hoping to find elsewhere.  It’s the only time of the week I don’t think about anything except what I’m doing in that exact moment.  The only time where if a tension or an injustice arose, I may be able to breathe past it instead of blowing up.  And because of this, I’m pretty sure I have become a yoga fraud.  

While my the 90 minutes in class was spent focusing on how to find that calmness while standing on one foot in a very uncomfortable pose, my drive home was spent thinking about my dissolving friendship and wondering why I couldn’t succeed at bringing any calmness to that part of my life.

Now I’m left scrambling and frantic because I’m not sure how to give up an 8 year friendship without a fight, but I’m pretty sure at this point and time the fight will go unnoticed.  All I can do now is let go and hope.  Hope I can make changes within myself that may one day somehow fix the  irreparable damage I caused.

I started tonight...on my way home.  It looked like it was a full moon.  And so as I found myself stuck behind a car literally driving 10 miles per hour, instead of screaming, I decided to enjoy the view and hope it was the beginning of something new.

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