Tuesday, February 28, 2012

my life in green

This came out of a writing prompt I found online about finding green in your life.  Told you things might not always be cohesive...but they are words right?

Green dumpsters leering in the almost empty parking lot, lids open and the smell of decay wafting through the air. A green box of Skittles Sour shoved into a corner on my desk and long forgotten. The taunting green highway mile markers reminding me just how far I have to go. A green bottle of lotion offering lingering scents of citrus and summer. My khaki green knapsack stuffed with an entire day's worth of my life.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

soul pancake - what did you do today to make someone smile

Today's question:
What did you do today to make someone smile

Today we had over my husband's co-worker to watch the KU/MU game. He's a young kid who already has two kids of his own. He doesn't have a lot but works as hard as he can to provide for his family. And no matter what life throws at him, he's happy. He may actually be one of the happiest people I know. But he doesn't get to do a lot and doesn't even have cable. So today I lent out my couch and tv so he could kick back sans kids, drink a 6 pack and watch probably one of the best college hoops games of the season.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

soul pancake - what if you were forced to be honest?

I still struggle with all the different projects and places I write and how to sync that up here.  The soul pancake site has some really great writing projects/prompts that I'm going to start trying to participate in.  But they are over there...and my readers are here.  So I will cross post here when I post something over on soul pancake.

I've vowed (in my head) to share more of my words this year for better or worse. They may not be organized or cohesive.  But they will be words and they will hopefully paint a bigger picture of who I am.   I believe I edit too much, which keeps the reader from knowing all of me. I'm looking to do this b/c I love it and not because I care whether people hate or love what I say.

This exercise was from a few days ago when I was in a very angry place. The question was: 

What if you were forced to be honest?

I am actually honest to a fault. Trust me, it gets me in trouble over and over again. But there's still always something your not honest about. Or something you leave unsaid. So I'll say it here. I'm tired of being a secret friend and I'm tired of being a scapegoat for someone else's life not working right. My friendship has NO connection to your marriage. They are two completely separate things and should work independently of each other.

Monday, February 13, 2012

my more than love story

Im not affectionate, not touchy feely, not one to express my feelings out loud.  My own mother doesn't even hug me b/c she knows how uncomfortable it makes me.  Trust me, its one of my many less than endearing qualities.  Im convinced I was simply hard wired wrong.

So Ive been watching posts online today about Valentines Day.  Stories of how people met, stories of how in love people are, stories of a made up holiday.  And b/c I'm in an even less feeling good about people frame of mind than I usually am due to a recent fall out, I've been annoyed all day.  The husband and I don't even do anything for Valentine's Day.  Aside from the information above, my bday is just two days later and its never economical to celebrate twice in one week.

But I'm trying to see out of a hole right now and trying to figure out some of my not so great qualities and how they affect others...how they are what got me into my current situation.  So I thought I'd take a step outside of the super crazy person I am and write what I'll call my More Than Love story.

My story is not the typical girl meets boy and gets married story.  It's more of guy goes with a girl and her sisters to see an MU330 show and stuck around for the next 17 years.  I went to college and he followed.  We started purchasing and owning things and soon realized it would be easier if we were married.  So I don't have a proposal story or an engagement story.  I don't have a wedding ring and the only reason I didn't get married at the court house was b/c my mother wouldn't allow it.

But see...none of that, those things that makes up every one's love story, means anything to me.  Those stories of material things aren't what make a love story.  My love story is made up of all the immaterial things I get out of my relationship.  I have someone who supports me in everything I do and follows me into every endeavor I want to make.  Even when such endeavors involve bringing foster children into the house only to discover that, yup I positively for sure don't want kids.  He talks me down off ledges and points out why my weaknesses and negative attributes are what screws things up sometimes.  He allows me to change jobs when I need to, even when its risky.  He pushes me to write more and take more chances.  I'm neurotic and crazy and plan everything to the detail.  He gets my crazy though (and makes fun of it) and on occasion he makes me let loose.  Mostly every year on the 4th when I somehow allow boys to blow things up.  But most recently on our west coast trip where he talked me into playing it by ear and NOT booking hotel rooms.  He has supported 8 years of yoga and now 4 years of running b/c he know it makes me not so crazy.  He lets me have my own friends, even when they are boys and even when I really, really like said boys.  He knows I have parts of my life that need supporting by other people.  He knows those friends fill the gaps he can't and that they make me a better person. And recently he has watched a huge part of my life melt down as I try to get another part of my life moving in the right direction and supported me through the madness that has come with it.

So maybe everyone else has these really great 'this is how we fell in love' stories.  But do they have the next 17 years after that?  I do.  And that's MY love story.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


1. mental or emotional stability or composure, esp. under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.

I do not possess equanimity.  I’ve been taking yoga for years in hopes of achieving just that and yet I can’t seem to find it. I’ve spent years saying it didn’t matter, that the way I handle things under tension is just who I am and people just have to deal with it.  But I’m (almost) 38  and no matter how many times I tell myself my actions are acceptable, they aren’t.  And now I may have just lost a friend due to my inability to wrangle this elusive quality.  

Last night my yoga teacher had just returned from a weekend workshop where finding your equanimity was the main focus and so last night’s  yoga class was steeped in this search.  This was surprisingly fitting since it was just the day before when I may have permanently broken a bond.  What’s funny is my Monday night yoga class seems to be the only place I can find the stability and composure I’m always hoping to find elsewhere.  It’s the only time of the week I don’t think about anything except what I’m doing in that exact moment.  The only time where if a tension or an injustice arose, I may be able to breathe past it instead of blowing up.  And because of this, I’m pretty sure I have become a yoga fraud.  

While my the 90 minutes in class was spent focusing on how to find that calmness while standing on one foot in a very uncomfortable pose, my drive home was spent thinking about my dissolving friendship and wondering why I couldn’t succeed at bringing any calmness to that part of my life.

Now I’m left scrambling and frantic because I’m not sure how to give up an 8 year friendship without a fight, but I’m pretty sure at this point and time the fight will go unnoticed.  All I can do now is let go and hope.  Hope I can make changes within myself that may one day somehow fix the  irreparable damage I caused.

I started tonight...on my way home.  It looked like it was a full moon.  And so as I found myself stuck behind a car literally driving 10 miles per hour, instead of screaming, I decided to enjoy the view and hope it was the beginning of something new.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

48 hours of captain energy

We got an unexpected call Thursday night from Captain Energy.  He wanted to know if he could come hang out this weekend.  The dad situation has fallen back to a 'not so good' spot and his brother was headed to his old foster parents home for the weekend.  We figured Captain Energy doesn't get a lot of one-on-one time and we were really just hanging at home while I worked, so the husband picked him up Friday night for the weekend.  Here are the highlights (some good...and some not so much so):

We picked up a couple movies and Wii games, one of which was Just Dance.  This child loves to dance.  After what I believe was 25 songs in a row (most of which he danced through with his pants practically on the ground) he turns to us and says "man, Ive really gotta poop."

Real Steel wasn't as bad as I expected and was a kid favorite.  It was watched almost entirely with him on his knees just feet away from the television...even though you can see our TV from outer space.

During our grocery store trip, he asked for about 75 things we didn't need and managed to run over the husband twice with the cart.

For dinner Saturday, we made individual mini pizzas.  We let the man put together his own pizza and he tells us "cool, Ive never done this before."

During the KU/MU game he screamed 'cheaters' at MU players and then proceeded to call them ugly tigers.

He managed to shoot a very small toy behind the television which prompted a flashlight search.  He then proceeded to shoot it into the kitchen.  The husband says, "dude you're going to lose it again."  Captain Energy then screams from the kitchen, "can you come help me find it?"  Right as I think the husband's head is going to pop off, Captain Energy screams, "Just kidding."  It made me snort.

Sunday morning we decide we should probably bathe him as he has danced and subsequently sweated for more hours than I remember.  He wants to take a bath so the husband gets him in as I head out to run.  I get back 30 minutes later and he's still in the tub.  I ask the husband if he's checked on him and he confirms he has.  Apparently "checking on" did not include opening the door because 2 minutes later we discover water dripping out of a light in the bathroom under the bathroom he's in.  We're pretty sure 3/4 of the water originally in the tub was displaced to the floor.  We have a sweet water spot on the ceiling now.

I head in to shower minutes after that clean up and before I can even turn the water on I hear the husband scream, "what the hell are you doing?"  I come downstairs to find an entire glass of pop spreading over and off of the kitchen counter.  Another clean up and a shower (finally) later, I find the husband in the bedroom closet.  He tells me he has left the child at the kitchen table and then says "while he should have everything he needs I can not guarantee the kitchen will still be there when we go downstairs."  He was pretty sure we were going to find Captain Energy sitting at the table eating but with soot on his face and his hair blown permanently back in an empty hole in the earth.

While we love, love him....good god I am always happy when its time for him to go home.