Saturday, January 3, 2009

day 3 and counting

I hate January. I don't remember when it started or why, but it is a really hard month to get through. I assume it has something to do with the let down that comes after the holidays. The end of the year is pretty packed with festivities and gatherings and planning and celebrating. And then there is nothing and suddenly I find myself in the most miserable month of the year for Kansans. And so the thoughts creep in and I am never really sure how I'll get through. I'll wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because I can't get out of my head the fact that one day I'm gonna die. I'll hyperventilate on the way home from work thinking about how eventually I'm gonna lose the people that i care about the most. I'll discover its so hard to breathe that the only thing I can do is go to sleep. January brings dread, fear, panic, no hope, sadness, desperation. For 31 days I can only breathe one breath at a time.

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