Wednesday, December 30, 2009

it's been too long

I needed a jump start to get back here and i fell into one today. Looks like I haven't posted since the middle of the year and I suppose that is about the time my year fell apart. I lost a lot of people this year and in turn lost my way. November helped a little with 50,000 words put down and enough miles ran for me to successfully complete a 1/2 marathon. So today I found the inspiration to get me back here. I like here. I think i might just make it a year of random here...I have a friend who loves random so it might work.'s my random for today.

I was walking into a movie theater was snowing. Walking out of the theater was a grandfather (who looked an awful lot like Santa) and grandmother. Each had a child in girl and one boy. The grandfather smiled at me as he passed. Right after that the little boy (maybe 5) says out of the blue, "I liked that movie. Thanks for taking us." It made me smile unexpectedly. I hadn't unexpectedly smiled in quite some time (that's not entirely best friend made me unexpectedly smile the day before in a random parking lot).

Saturday, May 23, 2009

desperately holding onto me

I struggle with my identity everyday...i have been for a while now. A long time ago (9 years to be exact) when I graduated from college I told my husband to kick my ass if he ever found me climbing the corporate ladder. I graduated as one of the "creative ones" and wasn't going to let myself be sucked into the cog. And now here I am stuck in the middle of a corporate climb and scared shitless because I seem to be kind of good at it. But its not who I am and that scares me even more.

So the other day, one of my art directors told me she thought I had a surfer girl/hippie chick vibe about me...she actually thought I was from California. She for some reason apologized the next day for calling me a hippie. I laughed and told her what a huge compliment that was. I have been dodging the "corporate" stereotype for quite sometime for her to see a hippie made me happy.

Maybe I'm not losing after all.

it's okay...

to want things you can't have.

i found hope

I was out running the other day and I came upon this family out in their front yard. The dad was practicing catch with his daughter and his 4 year old little boy was roaming around. The little boy saw me coming down the side walk and waved. He then ran over to a tree in their front yard, pulled a bloom off and ran towards me. As I had on my iPod, he screamed at me "a flower for you!" as he handed me the bloom he had pulled off the tree. I still wonder what he was thinking that led him to believe I needed a flower...but it made my freakin night.

The world is falling down and this little boy thought I needed a flower. Maybe he's on to something.

quote of the day

This was overheard at my local coffee shop. He was a college aged barista:

"I want to feel classy, listen to some good jazz and pay way too much for food."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that the lifestyle he lives is way more satisfying.


Once I started running further than short distances, I realized I needed to find some place else to run other than my small neighborhood. I can only wave at the same guy mowing his lawn so many times before he wonders what the hell I'm doing. So I found this trail in Lawrence I really like. It's amazing how much faster 6 miles goes when your aren't passing the same house 5 times. My most recent run on this trail consisted of:

me getting lost and adding an additional mile to my run
3 rabbits
1 squirrel
a 1/4 mile of snails
1 saved worm ( i saved him)
2 garage sales
2 creeks
1 dog kickin it 'head out the window' style

Saturday, March 28, 2009

the institution of marriage

I'm married...everyone knows that. But what everyone might not know is I don't actually believe in the institution of marriage. I lived with my husband for a very long time unmarried and we eventually fell into marriage simply to make financial and ownership opportunities easier.

I have currently gone through a rash of friends who have had or are having issues with their significant others and it only solidifies what I think about marriage. Or maybe just how I view the way most people think marriage should go.

I think marriage is pushed on us as this end all, be all of partnerships and/or companionships. This is the person that your world revolves around, the person that is the everything you need. I don't think this is realistic at all. And I think the marriages that fail (what are we up to like 50% now?) are the ones that think this is true.

I think the marriages that do work are the ones where you realize you HAVE to foster other relationships throughout your life. There is no way one person can be everything you need for this one life time.

I am one of the very lucky whose husband has allowed me to foster relationships with a group of friends that mean the world to me. He lets me wander out to happy hours, not come home at night, chat with other boys, share things with others what I don't with him and let others make me happy.

There are different parts of me...different parts of my life that need different people and I'm allowed to find people who fill the holes, niches, parts of my soul, parts of my brain, parts of me that I can't get from one person.

You're gonna need more than one person to get through this life...I think I'm one of the lucky who has found the bunch I need.

everything is the ballet

I used to dance.

Ballet, modern, jazz...i danced. I don't anymore. I got busy, I got old, I forgot.

I went to a ballet performance last night...the first one in a very long time. I had abandoned the entire art form for quite some time for unknown reasons. I know I love dance (don't get me started on So You Think You Can Dance) but I had forgotten just how much I miss it.

I'm sitting there last night and the lights go down and the curtain goes up on this lone male dancer with his back to us. And he reaches his arm out, rotates a wrist and plies. I see every muscle in his body react and I felt it in every essence of me. My body ached because it remembered...I remember. The power I had, the control, the passion, the ability to exist on a stage for 40 minutes and feel nothing but you. The lights, the music, the breath, being part of a performance...part of the production.

I don't suspect I will ever feel that way about anything ever again.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

day 16

If I hadn't had to enact my driving responsibilities at 7:45 on my day off, I would have missed this sunrise, a huge group of white birds all taking flight at one time out of some farmer's field and one of the K-10 hawks looking for breakfast.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

no hope

A 9 year old girl ex-communicated from the catholic church because she had an abortion as the result of rape. Ten dead in Alabama. A gunned down pastor at a Sunday morning service. Five human heads found in ice chests. A fight club set up at a school for the mentally disabled.

It's days like this that I don't want to leave the house.

I have lost hope for humanity.

Monday, March 9, 2009

my past

Why is it that when you are finally old enough to be interested in the history of your family, the people with the stories are gone?

I just recently attended the funeral of my great aunt and discovered that her and her husband had run a boat rental business down in the Lake of the Ozarks for years. I had no idea. I had spent years at Thanksgiving dinners and Xmas get togethers with this lady. This little, frail lady who I thought I had nothing in common with. Apparently she liked the outdoors, the lake, swimming and boats...apparently we had a lot in common.

My father recently heard me talking about my friend in Seattle. "Seattle, huh?" he says to me. He proceeds to tell me my grandmother's sister lived on Mercer Island up in Washington for years. Why am I just discovering this now?

I remember about 14 years ago I traveled to Chicago with my aunt and cousin. One evening after a night out, we were sitting around the hotel room talking. My grandmother came up in the conversation, a grandmother who had actually lived with us my entire life until she passed away when I was 16. My aunt proceeded to tell me the man she married (my grandfather) was not who she had intended to end up with. That there had been this other man...this other man she loved more...the man she had hoped to end up with. No one knows what happened or how and why things worked out differently. But to think I had lived with this woman all my life who had probably died having loved another man all that time.

Now I'm 35. Now I want to know more. Now they are all gone.

favorite 5 of the week

1. Monday night yoga.

2. Realizing two co-workers have actually become good friends.

3. An unexpected Friday night conversation across 2000 miles (in case you hadn't gathered...I like the unexpected).

4. Grilling out and a fire while watching the storm come in on a Saturday night.

5. Watchmen (one of the most violent movies I've seen...and I'm a Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction kinda girl).

saving the planet one beer bottle at a time

I live in a town that does not offer curb side recycling (just one of many reasons I think I was born into the wrong part of the country) and until just recently didn't have much space to set up digs for my own recycling efforts. But after finally accepting the fact that I will never actually be able to park in my own garage, I figured why not use the space left for some good. I bought some tubs, laid out some organizational rules and started recycling. So now every two weeks when we visit the grocery store, we drag our recycling along. I now only make about one bag of actual trash a week.

The really cool thing about it though is driving up to the recycling center on Saturday and seeing it so packed I have to park across the street to get in the place. There are families with toddlers carrying their own little sacks of trash, teenagers who probably head up a recycling effort at a school somewhere, old guys who don't know the difference between chip board and cardboard (but they are figuring it out), single guys with trunks full of nothing but beer bottles and old couples who can barely hobble up to the windows.

And while I can be ashamed that I just started this myself, it makes me feel good that each week the recycling center gets a little bit busier as a few more people start to care.

favorite 5 of the week

1. KU beating Oklahoma...even if it was painful to watch.

2. Dinner, drinks and a Cirque show on a Wednesday night.

3. A day of unexpecteds.

4. Ladies' Night.

5. Dancing on a Saturday night.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

glimmers of hope

In times like these its easy to lose sight of the good in people. Its sad and quiet and scary. But recently I witnessed a couple of instances of the good in people and it makes me makes it a little easier to breathe.

I went to a performance down at the Music Hall with my mother and aunt the other night. We pulled into the parking garage and went to pay for our parking only to be told the car in front of us had already paid for our parking.

My little sister went to buy some vodka and beer on her birthday and the guy behind the counter wished her a happy birthday and didn't charge her for anything.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

favorite 5 of the week

1. A bottle of wine for my b-day.

2. Happy hour on a Monday.

3. An unexpected hip hop show at the Record Bar.

4. A good Oscar's show.

(I could only muster 4...for it being my b-day week, this week was a really hard one)

Friday, February 20, 2009

untold stories

I spent a little time at my aunt's house this weekend, my aunt who is a quilter. Not only does she quilt herself but also appreciates the fine art of quilting enough to actually own several very nice quilts. She had one hanging on her wall I had not seen before and I wandered over to look at it. This quilt is 150 years old and she believes it was a quilt that was probably put together for someones wedding gift. She can tell each square was made by someone different based on the fabric scrap size and stitching that went into each piece. So I just have to wonder how exactly this quilt made its way out of the family it had once belonged to. It makes me sad this quilt now hanging on my aunt's wall maybe once belonged to a new bride, that maybe it was the blanket she used on her bed, that her kids might have hidden under it and wrapped themselves in it while they napped, that she passed it on to someone who meant a lot to her. How does something that means so much to someone now not belong to the family it was supposed to.

I have a pack rat in the family who likes to pick stuff up off the side of the road. One of his recent finds was some suitcases someone had set out in front of an abandoned house. After driving by them several times, he picked them up. Inside one of them was someones war stories. Postcards, pictures, letters, medals and the flag that was handed over at a funeral. How does THAT stuff wind up on the side of the road?

My great aunt just recently passed away and I received a quilt of hers. Its one of the coolest things I possess and I can't imagine not making sure it stays where it should.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

favorite 5 of the week

1. Dinner and a movie for my birthday.

2. A 2 hour Sunday night call from an old friend .

3. My first yoga workshop.

4. Movie quote fun with an unexpected player.

5. Fuzzy on a Thursday night.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

middle of no where

favorite five of the week

1. Breathing.

2. Misbehaving on a Tuesday.

3. A 70 degree Saturday in February.

4. A thank you card from the family we adopted for the holidays.

5. The Wrestler

**Least favorite moment: Saying good bye yet again.

faith vs. religion

There is a difference.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


I have not had many good friends my entire life. I had a few friends in high school and met some people in college. But for most of my life I have been kind of a loner. While there has always usually been someone there that i liked hanging out with, there was not usually someone there who knew much about me. I'm not sure why it happened so late in my life, but its just now that I have found myself in a group of friends...a group of friends who know who I am, who know what makes me tick, who except me for me and who I trust with my core. Within this group of friends, there are a select few who know my inner most being. And those few are the one's I hope stick around for a while. They are the one's who surprise me every day, the one's who listen, the one's who breathe with me, the one's who make THIS easier.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

favorite five of the week

Sorry I missed a week.

1. Getting my ass kicked in yoga.

2. Dinner and a movie with great friends.

3. Finding out a good friend will always talk you off the ledge.

4. A new camera.

5. An amazing Super Bowl.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

happy inaugeration day

I think I felt the earth sigh today.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

favorite five of the week

1. A full moon.

2. Finding out I get to see a good friend soon.

3. America's Best Dance Crew

4. An unexpected snow day.

5. Slumdog Millionaire

Friday, January 16, 2009

that's not me or you

I talked myself into signing up on Facebook a couple months ago. I wanted to find out about a highschool reunion gathering and needed to be a member to gain access to that page. So I stopped analyzing it and created an account. At first it was interesting. I ran into people I hadn't seen for a while and found out about some connections I had through a few people that I didn't know about. But then I settled in and started watching. And oh how I hated it. Why on earth do I need to know when someone I only knew in highschool is getting their tooth filled? Why do I need to know someone ate too much candy and now needs to work out to get beach ready? I always know about my friends I talk to daily so I would know what they were doing before they posted they were going skiing. I also began to notice people I knew acted differently in this cyber world. They gloated, they shared stuff I knew was bending the truth, they portrayed themselves in ways I knew weren't true. It made me wonder why people are interested in sharing parts of themselves with people they barely know or only used to know. It's all a ruse. It's all a popularity contest. I wasn't interested in that in highschool and I certainly am not interested in that as a 35 year old adult. I like intimate relationships and am not interested in even that many of those. I know the people I know for who they really are...I'm not interested in their cyber person...and I'm not interested in those I shared a brief moment with way back when we were all forced to exist within the same walls for 4 years. Facebook was noise and wasted time I should be spending with the real people that matter. I'll take my friends in the real world and leave the rest where they my past.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

favorite five of the week

1. A new friend in yoga.

2. "Comfort Food" food day. I may not bake but I can purchase a mean dessert from the local bakery.

3. Figuring it out again.

4. A productive Saturday.

5. A double feature.

the commute

People find out where I live and how far I commute everyday and can't imagine doing it themselves. They want to know how I spend so much time in the car everyday. They tell me that I'm missing out on valuable free time I could be spending doing other things. But what they don't realize is they are the ones missing out. Cause see, my drive in to work every morning takes me down about 15 miles of highway that is out and away from the city. And what they also don't realize is that along this highway I get to see so much. I see us move through the actual seasons. I see the first leaves change. I travel through icy mornings where every branch is frozen and glistening and watch the trees break when the icy weight gets to be too much. I see the first green emerge in spring. I drive through fog and under fog. I see the sun drop off the horizon. I smell the rain. I hear the quiet. I watch it snow and then melt. I watch the hawks patrol the roadsides. Everyone else hustles and bustles through the neighborhoods and city streets of suburbia and they miss this all. Suddenly its winter and they don't know where the fall went. I do...I saw it happen. So yea, I might spend a little more time in the car...but at the sacrifice of a few extra minutes everyday I get to see.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

favorite five of the week

1. My new Marc Ecko purse.

2. New running shoes.

3. The start of a new year...especially since we started ours by melting my sister's sock to her toe.

4. Eagle Eye

5. An afternoon of shopping with the sister and a Friday night facial.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

day 3 and counting

I hate January. I don't remember when it started or why, but it is a really hard month to get through. I assume it has something to do with the let down that comes after the holidays. The end of the year is pretty packed with festivities and gatherings and planning and celebrating. And then there is nothing and suddenly I find myself in the most miserable month of the year for Kansans. And so the thoughts creep in and I am never really sure how I'll get through. I'll wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because I can't get out of my head the fact that one day I'm gonna die. I'll hyperventilate on the way home from work thinking about how eventually I'm gonna lose the people that i care about the most. I'll discover its so hard to breathe that the only thing I can do is go to sleep. January brings dread, fear, panic, no hope, sadness, desperation. For 31 days I can only breathe one breath at a time.

oh boy...

things are going to change again.

why i'm NOT a lush

While I may have quite a few liquor and beer bottles we recycle every two weeks, at least I am not the guy who pulls up with a hatch back PACKED from floor to ceiling with full boxes of empty Shiner Bock bottles. It probably took him 20 minutes to haul all those bottles up to the bin.