Sunday, October 19, 2008

i don't want to be me

This is not who i signed up to be. And I don't know how to fix that. I think at some point I was on the right track. I wrote a lot in college which led me to a job as a tutor in the college writing center and later a job on the college newspaper. I fell down the path of advertising which i loved because i created. I hung out with the creatives, the writers, the artists. I wrote, I read...I liked being me. My first job allowed me to continue creating and become a part of the Kansas City film scene. I found film and movies and loved it. I loved working in the evenings because I got to see almost every movie released. I saw obscure films, met local film makers and kept up on the local scene.

Then I got drug into jobs I thought would let me continue to be this way, i was put in charge of more, they gave me more money. And in the middle of it all I lost me. I found a small pocket of time where I met a bunch of cool, creative artists and I thought I was finding me again. Now they have dispersed and I can't get back to me.

I'm sad or mad all the time. I try to play that I'm ok...but that person isn't in me. I'm an asshole to my friends, I'm grumpy and apparently have just quit smiling. I pick fights and don't play nice. And I'm beginning to wonder why anyone wants to be friends with me anymore.

I have to find my way out before I suffocate.

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