Monday, December 29, 2008

Sunday, December 28, 2008

favorite five of the week

1. Christmas for a four year old.

2. A new piece of art for my wall created by one of my friends.

3. Wally Lamb's new book.

4. Playing darts and getting lit on a Friday night.

5. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Monday, December 22, 2008

true that


Sunday, December 21, 2008

favorite five of the week

1. A good book on an unexpected snow day.

2. Being turned on to new music I would have never found on my own.

3. Dropping off the presents we bought for the two families we adopted.

4. McAllisters - a new eating joint with vegetarian chili. Yea!

5. A long afternoon of good food, good drinks, good games and magic at the extended family Xmas bash.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

what are we looking for?

I have been sucked into the world of social networking. I resisted it for the longest time. I didn't need to know what people were doing who I hadn't seen since high school...since grade school. If I was actually interested in that person, we would still be friends. I didn't want to be one of "those" people. I wasn't popular in high school. I didn't network then. I wasn't social. Why do I need to do it now? But then one night a couple weeks ago I quit trying to analyze it and set up an account on Face Book.

And while I have actually run into some people that I haven't minded running into, it is fascinating the amount of people out there making random connections because they have a friend on someone's page who knew someone once long ago. And it is interesting to me why any of us are out there doing this. Maybe we are looking for recognition. Looking for verification that what we are doing actually means something to someone. Looking for comfort in the connections.

why i'm a lush - reason #12

I buy my friends liquor for their birthdays (but if they like liquor for their b-day then they're a lush too, right?)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

ordinary people

This year for our boss' Xmas, my department at work decided to take a little different approach. The boss's son is autistic, so we decided to collect cash and make a donation in his name. There were a couple of us in the department that were doing charitable things for Xmas this year so it seemed like a natural progression. I don't think any of us thought much about it. We thought it was a good idea...so money was collected and we presented it to him earlier this week.

He cried.

He said this was the best gift that he has ever received.

And as I'm standing there with a few of my other co-workers listening to this, I realize that what we did was pretty extraordinary. I think I work with a group of people who define ourselves as very ordinary. But maybe the things we do that we consider ordinary aren't really. I don't think any of us realized that this act would invoke such a reaction. I think this small group of people who seem to lead very ordinary lives are a little more extraordinary than any of us thinks.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

favorite five of the week

1. An unexpected compliment from a hard ass executive that doesn't dish them out often.

2. A day off for shopping .

3. A new kick ass shirt that I would not have fit in before the running.

4. 100 oz of beer.

5. Dancing on a Saturday night.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

a rough start

I sat on my couch and cried this morning as I listened to a story of a family whose house had caught fire because they were using the fireplace to stay warm. They couldn't afford to pay their electric bill and now they don't have a home. Then I cried some more as the reporter gave tips on how to keep warm if you couldn't afford to heat your house. I can't believe it's come down to a reporter telling people they can hang shower curtains in front of windows to block drafts and that families should think about sleeping in the same bed together to use each other's body heat.

And the really scary thing is, I think its going to get worse first.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

favorite five of the week

1. Playing hooky on a Wednesday.

2. Pizza at Matthew's.

3. Twilight

4. Finishing my essay.

5. Doing all my Xmas shopping this year for those less fortunate than me.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

card carrying member

Sometimes I am ashamed to be part of the human race. And trust me...it's not all the time. I know humans can be very compassionate. I see the volunteers, the person who hands a bum a dollar and the kid who helps the old lady carry groceries to her car.

But the times that bother me are when I hear about instances like the issues with the safe haven law in Nebraska. I am all for safe haven laws. There will always be unwanted babies...why not give them safe places to be dropped. But who would have thought that by not designating an age limit, that parents from across the nation would bring in kids of all ages to drop off.

While I am not a parent, I can not imagine for a second how you would raise a kid for 10...12...17 years and then just decide its not working out for you. How do you decide your only option is to just get rid of the kid? I can't think of ANYTHING a kid would do that you wouldn't forgive, that you wouldn't want to help out with or that you wouldn't want to help support them through. I can't imagine what goes through that kid's head as their parent drops them off and essentially says, "Sorry Johnny. I gave it a good go, but this just isn't going to work." That kid is scarred for life...and the cycle continues.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

favorite five of the week

1. A two Bloody Mary lunch on Black Friday.

2. Knowing how to say No.

3. $20.00 gas money from Dad.

4. 5 days away from work.

5. Travis making me snort via text...that's a talent.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

why i'm a lush - reason #11

I took a flask with me today for dinner at my mother's house, stopped at Quick Trip for a fountain drink and mixed a drink in a La Petite parking lot before I got to her house.

favorite five of the week

1. Neil Patrick Harris and woo girls.

2. Bacon day.

3. An Friday evening of good conversation and working things out.

4. A cut and color.

5. 30 minutes without the neighbors home so I could have a dance party in the living room.

why i'm a lush - reason #10

I know I drank too much when I realize the only thing that is gonna help my head was more vodka.

its a boy thing

This weekend was a camping weekend...well that's what my husband and his crew call it anyways. I call it a night of debaucherous drinking at a camp ground because no one can drive home.

So each year as the weather starts to turn and the boys get restless since the last day of debauchery happens in July (July 4th to be exact), a night of "camping" is planned. And I swear to god this is better than Xmas for all of them. The entire week is spent on the phone planning this thing out. I stand in the kitchen while my husband talks to a friend and says "well the fire wood will already be chopped but I suppose a machete would be cool to bring." The next phone call elicits a question of whether he can or can't eat wild turkey.

The subsequent trip for camping supplies not only includes fire starter, lantern wicks and food to cook but also the purchase of glow sticks. They have apparently invented a horse shoe type, after dark game and I swear when we roll up to the check out with 6-8 glow sticks that the clerk thinks we are heading to a rave.

The aftermath of the night of "camping" usually always involves some sort of injury...an injury that I usually discover the next day that he is not only unaware of but has no recollection of how exactly he sustained such an injury.

This year's stories included:
1. A walk down to the lake to skip rocks where one boy fell in the water.

2. An injury caused by walking into a picnic table in the dark. This resulted in a bruise on each shin where he walked into the table and a scratch on his chin where he then hit his face on the table as he fell.

3. A bent camping chair (ours) due to one boy passing out in the chair and another boy tackling him.

4. A bottle of Wild Turkey honey liquor and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

5. The use of a glow stick as a drum stick...this (shockingly) caused the glow stick to break open and stain several articles of clothing.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

why i'm a lush - reason #10

I drank an entire bottle of red wine by myself today.

favorite five of the week

1. The new Pitbull song - Krazy

2. Receiving information in the mail about the family we are adopting for Xmas.

3. Pilates class with my sister.

4. Running in the snow, down next to the lake on Saturday morning...even if it did kick my ass.

5. Justin Timberlake on Saturday Night Live.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

sometimes the ties that bind us...

are impossible to explain.

a lot can change in a year

I realized today that it's been a year...a year since my life started to change forever. I thought at 34 and after 12 years of being with the same person that I pretty much knew how things were gonna go from here on out. It's amazing how much a year can change someone. Over the course of a year I have become a completely different person:

An important person moved 2000 miles away and I found out just how much you can miss someone.

I became the friend that kept everyone's secrets.

I started running to stay sane.

The secrets quietly crushed my soul.

I began to learn how to share myself.

I started to break rules.

I helped my husband through a surgery.

I bought a new car.

My property was invaded.

I gained a brother-in-law.

I traveled to 3 new places...all on my own.

I discovered a girl I'd known for 4 years is one of the coolest people I know.

My better half got us in a lot of trouble.

I'm learning how to golf.

I learned how important it is to just breathe.

I know it's OK that sometimes its just best to be numb.

I thought that time would make you miss someone less...that's not true.

I started writing again.

I now realize that it took 2000 miles for the important person to become an amazing friend and confidant.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

i'm scared....

by the way he makes me feel.

sometimes we win



America was infused with a little bit of hope on Tuesday.

favorite five of the week

1. Unexpected free time to golf on a Monday afternoon.

2. The arrival of new running gear and an unexpected card.

3. Gas for $1.93.

4. A last minute ticket to the Jesse James Dupree invite only show which led to me meeting Johnny Dare.

5. A fire in the very unused fire pit on a Sunday night.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

vote

I was at my little sister's apartment this weekend and of course the pending election came up. My husband and I are voters. My brother-in-law is a voter. My two sisters (23 & 32) are first time voters this year. We have not really talked politics around my younger sister's boyfriend before so naturally one of us starts asking him questions. And good for him for being brave enough to tell a room full of voters and very opinionated people that he is actually not voting. Now, I can't talk any smack at all as I have not always been a voter and certainly was not at his age. So I ask him why not and he says that he really doesn't feel like his one vote matters. And I just sigh...cause holy crap if they would just understand what all those 'one votes' could do.

Someone, somewhere really needs to figure out how to engage that generation in the voting process. They're our damn future for Christ's sake.

broke

I spent Sunday morning/afternoon running errands and doing some grocery shopping with the husband. Our grocery store trips go something like this. We decide on meals together but I make the list. Then once at the store I am only responsible for marking the items off the list as we pick stuff up. I think I have a pretty good memory and can keep track of about 25 different work projects all at once. But ask me to pick the brand of ketchup we use and I'll pick it wrong every time. I'm not really allowed to man the cart either as I can't steer one to save my life. So...seeing as how I am ONLY responsible for the list, I get to do a lot of people watching.

I usually come out of a grocery store trip with some good story. One time in February there was a young guy wearing a pirate eye patch. And don't get me started on the frequent shoppers in their pajamas sitings...seriously put on some jeans.

On this particular Sunday I overhear a conversation that makes me a little sad. The parents are so young I'm surprised they even have kids and I am even more surprised they have one that is about 10. Apparently the girl has found a DVD that she wants. It's not an expensive DVD...you can tell it's off one of those $5.99 racks...it's an older movie. By the time they pass me the mother is pretty aggravated and talking pretty loudly. Right as they pass me she tells the girl that she is not buying her the movie and asks her "what part of I don't have enough money do you not understand?" I think to myself wow if you can't buy a $5.99 DVD , you must be in a world of hurt and it makes me really sad. It also makes me bet that this family will probably not even vote on Tuesday. I'm pretty sure a family like that won't benefit from any of the promises being made right now, regardless of the candidate. I also wonder what on earth is wrong with this place if families like that exist.

favorite five of the week

So I completely blew this off last week and am having a really hard time coming up with 5 this week. And the really weird thing is I've been feeling pretty good lately...so here's this week's five (although kind of lame).

1. Dinner, drinks and good conversation at the Prime Rib (thank god their name wasn't a precursor to all they served or I would have starved).

2. Passing out candy on Halloween.

3. Random calls on a Friday night from a friend and my brother-in-law that reminded me how much I like the people in my life right now.

4. A Saturday night poker game with the sister's and better(?) halves.

5. The start of a good book.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

why i'm a lush - reason #9

Next week for work I have to travel to a small town in Iowa...we have offices there. I shared this info. with a friend of mine who has been there and the first thing he says to me is that I'm either going to need to find alcohol early or travel with my own.

favorite five of the week

1. Good conversation (via text) on a Monday night

2. Remembering what it feels like to write.

3. So You Think You Can Dance (no explanation needed)

4. Discovering that it matters to more than one person if I'm smiling or not.

5. Putting $1.00 in the pop machine on a Friday afternoon and getting a $.55 beverage AND $1.10 back in change.

i don't want to be me

This is not who i signed up to be. And I don't know how to fix that. I think at some point I was on the right track. I wrote a lot in college which led me to a job as a tutor in the college writing center and later a job on the college newspaper. I fell down the path of advertising which i loved because i created. I hung out with the creatives, the writers, the artists. I wrote, I read...I liked being me. My first job allowed me to continue creating and become a part of the Kansas City film scene. I found film and movies and loved it. I loved working in the evenings because I got to see almost every movie released. I saw obscure films, met local film makers and kept up on the local scene.

Then I got drug into jobs I thought would let me continue to be this way, i was put in charge of more, they gave me more money. And in the middle of it all I lost me. I found a small pocket of time where I met a bunch of cool, creative artists and I thought I was finding me again. Now they have dispersed and I can't get back to me.

I'm sad or mad all the time. I try to play that I'm ok...but that person isn't in me. I'm an asshole to my friends, I'm grumpy and apparently have just quit smiling. I pick fights and don't play nice. And I'm beginning to wonder why anyone wants to be friends with me anymore.

I have to find my way out before I suffocate.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

favorite five of the week

1. Discovering my recycling efforts have reduced my waste to just 1 bag of trash a week.

2. The Lion King on a Wednesday night.

3. An unexpected free lunch on Friday.

4. Spending Friday evening with the coolest person in my life right now.

5. My very own set of golf clubs.

rare but good advice

I got caught up in my head this weekend due to many different things but I ultimately broke because of issues with some friends. I had already had my feelings hurt by a good friend...and that one I just had to figure out how to forgive as that's what you do with best friends. But on top of that all my other friends started being crappy too and I spent a lot of the weekend in bed.

My husband is pretty good about letting things play out with me...he knows by now how I process stuff and knows I'll always come back around. But after an entire weekend of moping and crying, he asked me if he could talk to me for a minute while he showered. Now keep in mind my husband is a man of very few words. But he made me sit and listen as he told me that I could not expect extraordinary acts from ordinary people. He told me that my problem lies in the fact that I am an extraordinary person and expect the same in return. But when I am dealing with just ordinary people that's not gonna happen. He made me list who my ordinary and extraordinary friends were...and then told me to keep that in mind next time I got my feelings hurt.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

favorite five of the week

1. Discovering I'm the person one of my best friends wants to confide in.

2. The look on my AD's face when my catalog keyline came back with very few edits.

3. The Friday chili cook off...free lunch is awesome.

4. Iron Man...finally.

5. Golf on Sunday morning with some REALLY good friends (I beat my husband on one hole and his best friend on another!)

why i'm a lush - reason #8

While traveling last week I had a bloody mary at the san diego airport, by myself at 10:00 AM.

sunny and 70


I did two firsts last week. I got to travel for work and i traveled alone. And oh my god it was a blast. I wound up eventually hooking up with two other co-workers once I got to San Diego, but the traveling was done alone and the I spent time in the hotel room was alone. I like being alone. And I know this may sound stupid, but I like the fact that I can get myself half way across the country all by myself. Observations along the way:


Its tricky to keep track of your shit when its just you...I'm use to being able to juggle stuff with the husband.

It's nice to only have to keep track of yourself.

The iPod is a wonderful invention.

A half full plane is a great thing.

Always travel with someone who knows how to expense alcohol.

Always eat seafood when you're on the coast.

California boys are pretty.

I envied the waitress who said she surfs everyday.

There are people who are way more indecisive than i am.

The sky is always bluer in California.

Carl would have gone to Tijuana...I kind of wish i had.

I wonder who exactly travels to Las Vegas alone.

Even if you're just stuck in the airport in Vegas...Vegas is still fun.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

welcome to the bible belt


These are t-shirts that you can buy at my local Target.






Friday, September 12, 2008

favorite five of the week

A friend of mine told me the other day I don't let myself smile enough. And I got to thinking about how easy it is to focus on all the bad crap and forget about the good. So I've decided to start wrapping up the week with a list of good things that happened. I figured 5 was a good number.

1. Kid Rock on the VMAs (he will always rock)

2. Someone asking if my $10 shoes from Target are Gucci

3. Dilly bars on a Thursday afternoon

4. Free pizza for lunch

5. Watching tsunami '08 in my sister's garage with a beer

Sunday, September 7, 2008

i can't help it...

but I want something so bad right now that sometimes it knocks the wind out of me. The problem is I'm not supposed to want it.

middle of no where

I tell myself that I want to live in a big city, that I want to live someplace different. But I honestly think I have found my own private heaven in the middle of the country, just 30 minutes from a city I hate most (the city I grew up in). This is the place where people actually look you in the eye and say hi., where college boys flirt with girls who are WAY older than they realize, where kids actually behave, where it still gets quiet at night, where you can still see the stars.

I forget a lot...but it's not so bad here.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

walking is not an option

Today's 4 mile run is brought to you by the following play list:
Pitbull - Go Girl
Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend
Timbaland - Oh Timbaland
Fall Out Boy - Beat It
Jordin Sparks - No Air
Low Stars - Calling All Friends
Jamie Lidell - A Little Bit More (favorite lyric: "it got so complicated after we touched each other")
Saul Williams - List of Demands
John Mayer - Say (favorite lyric: "in the end its better to say too much than to never say what you need to say")
Estelle - American Boy
Madonna - 4 Minutes
Busta Rymes - Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See

Sites seen:
3 crickets dying...but still kicking
2 kids heading to a slumber party (they probably waited all week for that)
A birthday party
A bird's head (yup, just the head)
A young boy kind enough to move his parked bike out of my way
A large, very hairy spider (it was dead, but if he had still been kicking he surely would have given me a run for my money)

Running is one of the only times I can just exist as me and not think about fighting, divorce, cancers, work, what i want but can't have, money, dying.

one moment...

can change a million after it.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

in my head

You don't ever forget the way someone's breath feels on you.

no looking back

I ran my 2nd 5K this morning...specifically, the 3rd Annual Watkins Museum Run for History. This morning was August 16 in KC and we are usually in the middle of a month long steam bath but with unusually cool weather right now it was actually just 62 degrees out as I got in my car at 5:55. I actually got to see the moon going down...it was kind of red and that was cool. It was quiet as I got into town. I live right outside a college town so while most of the time the town is alive, at 6:00 on a Saturday most of the kids have just fallen into bed...Saturday mornings are always eerily quiet. I don't know any other runners that live close so I usually attend these things by myself. At least this time around I kind of knew what to expect.

The run was partly sponsored by The Sons of Union Veterans of the Civil War and they started the race with a canon. I chose to run without my iPod this time around...it was so quiet I wanted to experience the morning instead of trapping myself in my head. The route had quite a few hills and we ran down a couple of the old bricked streets. I had a brief stand off with a squirrel. He tried to cross in front of me but I got too close before he passed so he froze. So then i stopped cause I though sure as shit if I try to run by him that close he was going to go up and over me. I could just see myself screaming with a squirrel on my head as the racers behind me passed. He finally decided I was safe enough and ran on by. I ran most of the way right beside this little old man...he was probably about 70. He would have to walk up the hills so I would pass him and then he would catch back up with me. I must have pulled ahead of him somewhere in the last mile cause I finished a little ways ahead of him. After the race I was standing around and he actually came up to me and told me "good run."

I finished this time about 5 minutes faster than my last run and somewhere in the middle instead of at the end group. I actually finished along with a couple guys that looked like actual runners. Last time I finished with all the non-runner looking runners. I felt all proud of myself until one of the guys who ran the 10K instead of the 5 K finished the entire run just 3 minutes after me.

I'm not sure what motivates me to get my happy ass up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning to go run. It seems to be something deep inside. Maybe I'm trying to prove something. Or maybe I'm running from something or towards somethings..who knows. All I know is I can't stop now.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

too close

I honestly believe you can like a person too much. I think my problem is i like people too much. I invest too much in a person, i commit too much in them, i care too much about them. And I do this b/c I always think I will get the same in return. And you know what, I never do. This is why I don't have a lot of friends. This is why I kick myself every time I try to let someone in. I push and push cause I know deep inside I can't let them in. It's honestly never worth it. And then they come along...someone that wants in. Someone that makes you believe you will get it ALL back in return. And I forget and I get tricked. Cause I start to believe again. And I always, always get hurt in the end. I'm too old for this crap. I'm always better off in the end not letting them in.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

gasoline is overrated

All anyone talks about anymore is the price of gas. And while yes it does suck that I spend $40 every 5 days to get myself back and forth to work, I don't think expensive gas is an entirely bad thing. I see people riding bikes that probably never imagined they would ever ride again. I see full buses. I see people walking to grocery stores and corner markets, people staying home, people spending evenings in the yard with their kids. And I think maybe $4.00 a gallon for gas has finally gotten this country to slow the hell down.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

the pull

Most people think that gravity just works to pull us down, pull us back to the earth. What I don't think most people realize is this same gravity pulls us toward people. And it pulls us fast. I am flying towards people and it scares the crap outta me. And there is nothing I can do about it. It just drives me insane that I don't know why these particular people are pulling me in. I have to accept the fact that at this point I HAVE to just stop thinking and enjoy the ride.

why i'm a lush - reason #7

I went to an art event downtown today and the piece of art I bought has a beer glass on it and says, "It's 5:00 somewhere."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

i've lost the passion

Most days I think that I am ok. I think what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing, that what I'm doing means something. Then I watch this dance show, this dance show that my friend thinks is ridiculous, this dance show that I relate to...and I realize I'm not okay because most days I feel NOTHING. I watch this show and watch these dancers perform, watch these dancers feel, watch these dancers live and breathe and I realize I am falling flat. I don't feel that. I don't feel half of that on any given day...okay, maybe on some days. I'm okay on the days I get out of my head and stop thinking, the days I am completely misbehaving. But why is it that we are taught that we shouldn't feel that way all the time? We should feel that way ALL the time no matter what we are doing. I guess this is why i run, this is why i write, this is why i dance at 2 in the morning by myself, why i scream out back under the moon, why i look to the boy to hold me up, why i look for something to take my breath away.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

the life of the pretentious

I've decided that all hummer drivers should have to live in their cars. Those things are absolutely ridiculous.

wishful thinking

I'm proud of myself this morning. I get up on time, leave the house on time and expect to get to work a little early. Yea...I don't think I'm meant to get to work on time anymore (thanks B for passing that on to me). Apparently they are doing construction they were not doing yesterday. How I am supposed to know to leave early if they don't tell me about the new construction is beyond me.

So at this point I'm driving...okay creeping...along behind this biker. A real biker...not one of those RUBs (rich urban bikers). He is looking frustrated, switching lanes and and trying to see around cars. Before I know it he hops onto the shoulder and takes off. I think "damn what an ass...how does he figure he can do that just because he is on a motorcycle."

Then, about a half mile ahead we pass under a bridge and there he is. He rode up under this bridge, parked his bike, got out a beverage and lit a cigarette. He was waving at us as us office drones passed by and damn how I wished I was him.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

tuesday night trouble

The original plan is to go see my friend perform some of his songs at open mike night at the local comedy club. I have another friend (good friend) in town for the evening with concert plans across town. I'm going to the comedy club. I'm meeting people for dinner then having drinks and enjoying open mike. I'm going home after. I'm getting 8 hours of sleep.

Half way through the evening, the other friend proposes that if me and one of my co-workers are up for it, we should head across town and meet up with him and his friend after the concert. Ok...it has been a very long time since I have been spontaneous and every bone in my body says you can't do this. Every bone says you are going to have to spend the night with your co-worker and you have NOTHING with you to pull that off. But the "I used to hang out back stage with my friend's band" side of me, the "I used to kiss a lot of boys" side of me, the "I want to dance till dawn" side of me emerges and I go.

And holy crap is it worth it. I wind up downtown in a bar I've never been in, in the new district I didn't think I'd get to see cause it is completely not my husband's scene, listening to good music, dancing like I never get to, flirting, laughing, dancing with a girl, singing at the top of my lungs, holding on tighter than I should, feeling myself spin out of control, running after my friend who has my shoes, eating pizza at 2 AM, misbehaving, sleeping on a couch in someone else's clothes, and going to work the next day 2 hours late and commando.

God damn it feels good to be alive.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

unhappy women...

do dangerous things.

Monday, May 5, 2008

why i'm a lush - reason #6

I attended a party on Saturday night and I arrived with my own cup to make mixed drinks in.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

i think im old

I got invited to a party by our new associate art director at work and at first i wasn't going to go. She's much younger than I am, I don't have a lot in common with her and I can't remember the last time I've been to a house party. But the more I think about it, the more I realize my husband and I have become boring. I used to go out all the time....I don't have kids. So I guilt my husband into going.

So the party is fine, I drink some drinks...I meet some new people. But the interesting thing is the mix of people at this party. There is a group that the party organizer works with who are older. We are married, divorced, somewhere in between. Then there is a group of friends who are clearly closer to her age.

So a couple hours into the party these guys wander in. Young guys. Guys who are usually the center of attention. Guys who wear shirts that say "Just because I want to sleep with you doesn't mean you're good looking." Well when they walk in, all the older crowd pay them no attention what so ever. I think that the t-shirt, the popped collars and the backwards ball caps screamed douche bags. The reallly interesting thing is they had no idea how to handle the situation. I start watching this one guy in particular cause he starts eyeing our group. He clearly wants to come over but has no idea how to infiltrate a group of older women...older women paying them no attention...older women who came with their own guy friends...older women who aren't there to flirt with the boys. He wanders as close as the food bar right beside us then quickly backs off. I think it's funny cause 10 years ago I would have been the intimidated. But now here's this poor guy who is intimidated by the VERY loud women in the corner. After watching his approach and retreat for about 45 minutes I take pity and send my husband over to break the ice.

He winds up being a pretty cool guy.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

musings from seattle

Kissing a girl may be taboo, but almost (accidentally) kissing a girl is funny.

Pizza out of town always tastes better.

$16 to get to the top of the space needle is not worth it...thanks Ant.

Standing in the cold for 30 minutes to wait for a friend you haven't seen forever is totally worth it.

In our minds EMP will always mean electro-magnetic pulse.

Drinking beer from a straw is not a good thing.

Getting lost in Seattle is easy to do...apparently you are always one turn too late.

It's cold in April...and it sleets.

The unexpected is ALWAYS a good thing.

It's fun to be bad (especially in dark places).

It's hard to travel with new people...really hard.

Seattle BBQ sucks.

If the doorman says you can get in for half price if you are in fetish gear...you might want to run.

Leather, gas masks, sex swings, strap-ons and female condoms at 2:00 in the morning are interesting.

Some people just aren't multi-taskers.

Chim's kids are cute.

Just because you are at a white tablecloth restaurant doesn't mean you can't feed the birds.

It's okay to be sad on vacation.

It's not okay to yell at your friends on vacation....but they do forgive you.

Cigars are bad...I'm convinced my left lung will never be the same (thanks guys).

Catching up with old friends is really, really good.

Leaving sad but with great memories for a lifetime is perfect.

Friday, April 18, 2008

why i'm a lush - reason #5

Two weeks before I headed to Seattle I realized I was going to be the light weight on the trip. So I actually practiced drinking so I could keep up with the crew...I got to where I could finish a whole bottle of vodka in about 2 1/2 days.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

not allowed out without adult supervision

Each year around this time I start spending a lot of time in the sun. I do a lot of work in my yard and so I usually wind up with funky tan lines but in normal clothes it usually works out. This year, I am in my sister's wedding in May which requires me to wear a very strappy dress. My sister told me that if I planned on being tan for the wedding I was going to need to fake bake cause she didn't want those funky tan lines I usually wind up with.

Now keep in mind, I function just fine on an every day basis in my comfortable surroundings. I'm in charge of my own accounts at work and I have even recently been put in charge of actual people. But damn, you take me out of my natural environment and I become socially challenged.

I walk into this tanning salon on the edge of Lawrence and this super young, super cute, very tan highschooler is working behind the counter. Of course, I am super intimidated. So I walk up to the counter like I know what I'm doing and tell her I need to tan. Apparently it's not that easy. First she needs a TON of information from me. After filling out the appropriate paperwork I am surprised I didn't have to promise my first child before they'll agree to let me tan. After that, I have to decide how I want to tan. Really? I just need some flourescent lights to singe my skin. She rambles through about 5 different beds and 5 different package deals and I don't understand anything she says. I go with the most tans for the cheapest...again I'm just looking to burn some skin. Just when I think I might get to tan, the very young girl asks me if I want to purchase a sample of tanning lotion. Sure...what the heck. While I'm spending the money, I might as well optimize my tan right?

After paying, I finally get led back to a room to tan. I'm cool at this point...or at least I think. She shows me how to use the bed but then proceeds to tell me I have 5 minutes to get ready before the bed turns itself on. So you're telling me that I have 5 minutes to disrobe, get this tanning lotion rubbed over my ENTIRE body and get in the bed? Sweet. So I strip down and then proceed to open this packet of lotion. As I go to squeeze some lotion into my hand, it is apparent I needed to somehow mix this stuff up because this watery substance spooges out and then onto the floor. I left such a mess that I'm sure they are gonna wonder what exactly I did in there. I'm also pretty sure I only had enough lotion for about half my body.

At this point I have about 1 minute left before my bed turns on so I'm in a panic to get in the bed. As I climb into the bed I smash my knee into the side and have no idea how I didn't spew forth every curse word that I know. As I lay in the bed for 10 minutes singing my skin and most assuredly giving my skin cancer, I'm wondering why exactly I found the need to do this in the first place.

I'm pretty sure as I wandered past the front desk and out to my car the girl behind the counter was laughing.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

who am i?

Last Saturday night we had a bunch of people over for the KU game. One of them was my husband's best friend's wife? I like her (shockingly) and so we always chat a lot when they come over, which isn't often. So I'm not sure how the topic comes up, but we start talking about how I have taken up running. And of course the 5K I have just run also comes up. She looks at me and tells me that I am really brave to do something like that. Seriously? Brave? She thinks I'm brave? Brave is certainly not a word that I would use to describe myself. To me, this is something I wanted to do and knew I would regret if I didn't. That's normal, right? I guess maybe not according to her.

It's just funny cause I get all caught up in my head that what I do is ordinary...that what I do doesn't really matter...that what I do isn't any better tahn anyone else. It just takes me by surprise when the things I do seem more extraordinary to someone else.

the adventures of ed part 2

I wander downstairs this morning and glance out the window at the bottom of my stairs and see that Ed is outside. He is at the end of his driveway (which isn't unusual as he washes his cars every other day) washing a tire. Now seeing as Ed's cars never seem to leave the driveway, this seems a little weird to me. Regardless of that, it still seems weird you would be washing a tire. So he has some sort of spray he sprays on it. Then he sets it up on it's end so he can pull his hose down and spray it off. The really funny thing is the tire starts rolling down the sidewalk and he just follows it spraying it as it rolls. What a funny little man.

whose bright idea was that?

Im sitting watching television the other day and one of those commercials comes on for the latest and greatest drug. This one is for the allergy sufferers. Since I have pretty intense seasonal allergies, I stop and listen. So they get to the part with all the side effects (cause you know there are no drugs that don't have a laundry list of side effects) and this particualr drug says that while it will help your allergies, it may cause cataracts or glaucoma. Seriously? This drug may help me stop sneezing and maybe breathe easier but I might not be able to see later? What kind of trade off is that? I'm thinking if the side effects are worse than the symptoms, I'll pass.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

the adventures of ed

Shortly after moving to our cul-de-sac, I met our neighbor Ed. He is kind of a funny little man who lives by himself along with some cats. Ed kind of keeps to himself but my husband will talk to anyone and one day while out doing yard work he wandered over and introduced himself to Ed. We didn't really get Ed's complete story but knew that he was friendly enough to let us borrow tools and a wheelbarrow. We also discovered he had a pond in his backyard...which is something we had in common.

About a year after meeting Ed, he disappeared. His cars were still always in the driveway and his cats were still roaming around...but he was gone.

After a while one of his cats started showing up at our door. He would sit outside our door and cry and cry. He was this white, sad looking little guy and so we took pity on him and started feeding him and leaving water out for him. We called him Ed's cat. Every now and then he would disappear for days on end and show back up all beaten up and sorry looking. One time he showed up with a bad enough cut on his ear that we actually treated the wound with neosporine for a while. Then after a while, Ed's cat disappeared too. To this day, I hope Ed's cat found a better home somewhere.

So after two years of no Ed he finally turns back up. Nothing new and no explanation...just business as usual. Come to find out after visiting with one of his other neighbors one night, Ed had gotten himself one too many DUIs and found himself spending two years in jail.

A couple weeks ago I was sitting at my computer minding my own business, when I hear this weird kind of beeping/screeching noise coming from outside. After a couple minutes I look outside wondering what it is...and across the street at Ed's place there is smoke pouring out of the house. I thought sweet jesus and yelled down at my husband that we might have a situation on our hands. He goes running across the street just as Ed's garage doors goes up. Ed kind of wanders out like not much is going on. At this point I'm just watching things from the driveway and determine I don't need to dial 911 (which I already have dialed and ready to go). Apparently Ed had put some steaks in the oven and forgotten about them. My husband hung out long enough to make sure there was no actual fire and also for Ed to tell him he was thinking about growing some illiegal plants in his back yard.

At this point we just try to keep an eye on the old guy so he doesn't burn him and his house down.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

the price we pay

I spent a lot of time thinking about the war this weekend. It kind of started because I watched a movie called In the Valley of Elah. Not so much a movie about the war but about how screwed up the kids are after coming home from war. Then on my Sunday morning run I passed driveways where the newspapers hadn't been picked up yet, and the front page headline today was announcing how we have been in Iraq now for 5 years. And it made me sad. I certainly don't understand all the reasons we need to do what we do in a country like Iraq. And maybe I don't necessarily think its completely right. But I know that during my lifetime, those in power will always be men who don't even come close to sharing the same views I do. I also know that most people don't even think about the war at all any more. I listen to this radio show on my way home from work and the DJ starts his show everyday with the daily casualty count from Iraq and then gives the running total of deaths so far. Why aren't all the news stations doing that? If those soldiers have to be over there living it every day, I think that its only fair we think about it every single day. I'm beginning to forget what its like to not be at war....and that really scares me.

Friday, March 14, 2008

gods country



My Friday morning drive to work.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

they need a better pitch man

Who thought it was a good idea to promote their church with the tagline "Become a Contagious Christian?" If it's contagious, I don't want it.

it smells like rubber

If you work in my department, it is dangerous to go on vacation. Taking vacation days leaves your cube vulnerable to the plotting and execution of some hair brained scheme that your fellow co-workers hatch over lunch. This plot was executed over the course of three days. We lost track of the number of trips we made to Hobby Lobby to get more balloons. We would not have successfully filled the cube if someone hadn't thought to bring in a small shop vac and reverse it to blow air. The smell of rubber took over the entire floor. The balloons were deflated in a matter of minutes.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

the next generation of heroes

I was in Best Buy late this afternoon picking up a copy of a movie I'd been wanting and when I got in line I noticed this kid (he was probably 21 or 22) about four people ahead of me. I noticed him because he was standing in line with his iPod earphones in and I always think its funny when I see people out like that completely shutting themselves off from any interaction with anyone. He had this really long, stringy hair and (for you fellow Kevin Smith fans) he kind of reminded me of Jason Mewes' Jay character (of Jay & Silent Bob). Anyways, I lost track of him as he went through the check out ahead of me. But as I headed out to my car, I ran into him again out front. At this point I see that he had purchased guitar hero and now he was heading home on his bike with the box balanced across the handle bars. I laughed to myself cause I knew this kid had been probably saving for months for this game. I pegged him as maybe working at a pizza joint (not a delivery driver though as he was rockin the bike) and he had probably just gotten off work and was headed home to master the guitar hero...he probably swung by and picked up some PBR and had himself a rockin Sunday night.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

its in my blood


I didn't realize setting my feet to the pavement three months ago was going to become something that defined me. But I guess that's not a bad thing since some of the things and people that once helped define me don't anymore. So maybe I was secretly looking for some new definition.

After I figured out exactly how much I loved the running, I decided I should maybe work towards a goal (cause my life stays more structured with goals) and found myself a 5K to run. I was actually really nervous to do this (i'm not sure why as I have taken tons of dance, yoga & writing classes...why would this be any different?) and so I put off registering as long as i possibly could. I knew I just had to go and get the first one over with though or I would be mad at myself.

So at 6:15 this morning I drug myself out of bed to a crisp March morning (it was 12 degrees), dressed myself the best I could (the only actual running gear I own right now are running shoes as till now I didn't really consider myself a "runner") and drove myself into Lawrence for my first 5K. It was pretty intimidating because almost everyone else showed up with all sorts of friends and fellow runners. I on the other hand showed up alone not knowing what to expect.

After checking in and receiving my shirt and number that I apparently was supposed to wear, I stood around for about 30 minutes before the run actually started. At some point some old guy wandered by and asked how many layers I had on, but other than that I just stood in the corner and watched people. I determined runners like to eat, most runners wear silver shoes (mine are green), and a lot of people have problems safety pinning their numbers to themselves.

I think the standing around was the worst part, the run wasn't much different then running every night through my neighborhood. The run itself was out behind a bar in Lawrence called Johnny's and they ran us up on the levee. We ran down about 1.5 miles and then headed back. Amazingly I didn't finish last, but there were a lot of pretty fast runners out. One of the guys I talked to before the race said the KU cross country team was out there. Those guys doubled back by me before I had even passed the first mile. There was guy running with his kid in a stroller...he smoked me too.

In the end, I at least accomplished what I set out to do which was run the whole way. I will definitely get faster...especially as the weather gets warmer...sometimes the cold and wind kicks my ass. I guess at this point it's just on to the next one.

Friday, March 7, 2008

why i'm a lush - reason #4

When I'm out running and I'm at the point where I need to push through, the point where I have to get myself home, the point where I want to quit, I remind myself just how much I get to drink for all the miles i run.

Monday, March 3, 2008

why i'm a lush - reason #3

In order to spend a Sunday afternoon at my parents' house for my little sister's birthday (the little sister who is spoiled beyond all comprehension) I have to leave the house with my flask.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

sunday morning worship

Without thinking about what day or time it was, I head out to run. It is a gorgeous morning, the first after months of rain, sleet and snow, and so I am kind of surprised to not see anyone out...anywhere. After about a mile, I suddenly realize it is Sunday morning...and I live in God country.

As I run down my newly extended route that is kicking my ass, I start to think about how different these god fearing people think I am. How I'm not as good or not as worthy. But while they spend their Sunday morning praying to their gods in their man made houses of worship, I spend the morning outside worshipping what I believe was created by something other than us. As they sit in their pews and ask for forgiveness from above, I'm outside trying to find forgiveness within myself. While they are inside listening to what they think matters, I’m outside experiencing what I think matters. They see the beauty in the words that are spoken and in the promises of what lies ahead. I see the beauty in the visions of nature and the promises of here and now. They pray, I hope.

So don’t you dare tell me I don’t believe in anything.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

2 miles on a wednesday night

Another two miles behind me...in the cold no less...and ive decided I may need to get myself some mace. I was running around a corner tonight and over my music I could hear a dog behind a fence. It's a 6 foot wood fence so im not worried. I come around the corner and start running the length of this same fence when all of a sudden I hear the same dog barking...but this time it seems high. And when I turn to look, this dog has found something in the yard to climb on that allows him to lean over the fence and bark down at me. I about pissed my pants.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

it's better to not dance on the bar

Observations/lessons/comments from my 34th birthday celebration:

Your skirt is too short if, when you put your coat on, it looks like you aren't wearing any pants.

My sister's got a bucket of beer and a lesbian on her lap.

Somewhere in KC, a girl has a picture on her phone of my friend Wag with her leg behind her head.

Every girl needs 1 pair of red shoes.

A shiny, gold trenchcoat and gold 6 inch pumps are not okay to wear...ever. It makes you look like a hooker.

It's good to have friends who ask the DJ to wish you a happy birthday.

You're never too old to dance...I actually think it's more fun the older you get.

why i'm a lush - reason #2

On my birthday, in a 6 hour period, I drank 2 double vodka drinks, 4 single vodka drinks and a martini....and walked out of the bar on my own.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

thank you

I call myself a writer. I've always written and hope to publish something some day. How else is anyone going to remember I was here? For most of my life, I was kind of forced to write in school. So that is where most of my writing came from. I was good at it though and it led me down the paths I have taken. But once you fall out of college and there is no one making you write, it becomes easy not to write (cause believe me it's painful sometimes...which is why i avoid it). So there was a VERY long period where I didn't write...anything. I would attempt journaling, then lose interest. I even took a writing workshop at some point...but that didn't even kick start anything. Now suddenly I am writing a lot...almost every day at this point....and it seems to be that one of my better friends is who has led me back into this.

He recently moved half way across the country, and in order for me to keep up with him, I was forced into written conversations. And as soon as I had to start typing words instead of communicating verbally, the easier it was for me to put words down. And as I started to put words down...any words...the more words I needed to get out. And all of a sudden these words started to form ideas....and these ideas started to form projects....and now I write again.

So at this point, I just keep putting words down because I know at some point something will formulate that just may be important enough or relevant enough or at least okay for others to want to read. If and when that happens, I'll be sure to thank the perosn that jump started the words in my head.

happy birthday to me

It's 2:00 AM, February 16th....which means it's my birthday. I'm officially 34 and wondering how exactly that happened.

friends that define me

I am not a people person. Ask anyone that knows me. I have always been kind of a loner with a select few that I actually allow in. I don't even need one hand to count the friends I had in highschool. And after that, until recently, I can only think of three people that I would actually call my friends. So it is shocking to me that I suddenly find myself in the middle of a group of friends that are some of the most amazing people I know...and at this point in my life, maybe some of the better ones I'll ever meet.

After having known most of them for over three years now, I am not sure how I existed without this many friends. Friends who are amazing mothers & fathers, friends who have discovered mid-life chaos and lean on me for support, friends that I travel with, friends I spend time with on weekends, friends who know I drink on Fridays at lunch (and still find a way to convince me im not a lush), friends who tell me to breathe when i forget, friends who make me laugh and think its funny when they make me snort, friends who nicknamed me, friends who I can say anything to, friends that listen, friends that understand, friends that have become part of my every day existance.

I truly believe we meet people for reasons...and I honestly think these friends are people I am supposed to know. People I'm supposed to know till the end. It took me 34 years to become part of a crowd...maybe it took that long though because, in the end, these are the people I was supposed to meet.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

why i'm a lush - reason #1

I overheard Stephanie at work telling someone she had a chocolate martini once. Kinda like it was something special, something new, something out of the ordinary. And I thought to myself that I can't count how many chocolate martinis I've had.

Monday, February 11, 2008

ice ice baby

I can't think of a better way to start a Monday then driving to work and hearing Vanilla Ice. Every time that riff starts up on the radio, there's that split second where you wonder if it is Vanilla Ice's 'Ice Ice Baby' or Queen/David Bowie's 'Under Pressure.' I always secretly hope it's Vanilla Ice.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

taking my life two miles at a time

Sometime in December, after enduring two months of chaotic change (friends leaving, friends in trouble, incredibly frustrating family situations and the looming anniversary of the Xmas from hell), I decided to run. I'd been told it would clear your head and i figured i needed that. It was either run or break at that point. The first time I headed out I thought I was going to throw up and my body wanted to know why we were continuing on instead of turning back towards the couch. I had to tell myself the couch gets you no where. It was 3 weeks before Xmas, so houses had Xmas lights up and there was actually a little snow still on the ground. After I convinced my body to keep going, I rounded a corner and all of a sudden I started uncontrollably sobbing. I suppose that was the clearing of the head I had been told about. But there I was, running in the dark, Trapt playing on my iPod, me crying so hard all the Xmas lights got all blurry....kinda finny and pathetic all at once. I thought shit like that only happened in the movies.

Friday, February 8, 2008

pieces of me

How do the people we become comfortable with find their way into our lives?

The first time it happened, she was young and too new at life to realize she had met someone comfortable. His name was James and at the time she had no idea what was happening. Up until that point in her life, it had been the norm to be friends with girls. She was a girl and it was only expected that she have girlfriends. That’s just how it worked. Those were the easiest people to get close to and that was kind of what was expected. So grade school and junior high brought girlfriends. Then highschool brought more girlfriends. Girls that were catty and bitchy….girls that were looking to stab you in the back and looking for a reason to hate you even though they were your “best friend.” So she plugged on into college thinking that is what she would continue to experience. She had no idea what to do when the eclectic, bohemian, I haven’t cut my hair in months boy looked at her in writing class and said “Hi my name is James. Do you want to be my partner?” They had just been assigned one of those god damn, get to know you assignments, she was fresh meat and looking for a “safe” girl to participate with and she didn’t know what else to say but yes when he looked at her like that. Little did she know he was going to be the first “comfortable” person she met in her life. This was her first writing class of college, she was gun shy and now suddenly she had to look at this amazingly good looking boy and find out what his reading background involved. Like a naieve freshman, she started rambling off all these authors she had been forced to read in highschool hoping it would make her sound somewhat intelligent. At some point in the exercise he used the word existentialism to describe his way of thinking and she suddenly realized she had a whole lot of growing up to do…she had no idea what the f**k that even meant. But she did know it meant this was someone she needed to know. For some reason he was drawn to her and she suddenly understood that there were certain people she was going to need to know and he was one of them. At the end of class they of course had to go around the room and tell who their partner was and what they had learned about them. When it was their turn, she prayed that she remembered how to pronounce existentialism and hoped even harder that the instructor didn’t ask her what that meant. When class ended James slipped into his leather jacket with more buckles then she knew you could fit on a jacket and cruised out of class. As the door was about to close all she saw was his dingy rucksack and combat boots but she prayed that he would talk to her again.

can I start over

So I got some new ink. And its only a week old and I have, of course, had to mess with it a lot...and every time I look at it, I think what the hell am I doing? I don't think anyone I know (including myself) would peg me as a chick with tattoos. But the more I think about it, the more I think these tattoos are my silent protests against the person I am becoming...the person I said I would never be....the person I'm trying not to be. The person who works in corporate America, the person who owns a home, the person who can't pick up and leave at a moments notice, the person who is seeping into my every molecule.

Monday, February 4, 2008

dating on speed

I was watching LA Ink tonight and during the show two of the girls participated in a night of speed dating. Now I am way beyond the dating stage so I am REALLY relieved this is something I will NEVER have to participate in (i'm hoping). But as I was watching this weird, new dating ritual I decided I would really suck at it. I think I would probably just freak most of the guys out. The way I see it, you've got like 5 minutes to figure out if you like this other person. So I'm thinking I can't waste this time on where do you work, what do you like to do type questions. I'd want something funny, some obscure fact, the weirdest thing they had seen recently, the most inappropriate thing they had recently heard. At some point I'd probably snort and then my 5 minutes would be up.

Like I said...I'd suck at speed dating.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

we'll meet again


The K-State Wildcats may have beat the Kansas Jayhawks, but they still can't GIVE away Wildcat merchandise.

Is this thing on?

The third day of February in Kansas provides nothing but cold, gray, dampness and a severe case of cabin fever, so I decided today was as good a day as any to try out this blogging thing. Besides I think my husband is tiring of my constant rambles. So....

My space of the planet is a college town in Kansas about 30 miles west of Kansas City. 10 AM on a Sunday morning finds me at a local Einstein Brothers as I wait for my newly purchased, iPod compatable car stereo to be installed.

Behind me is a table of two young guys and an older guy who (I'm pretty sure) is homeless...it looks like his belongings are in the suitcase he rolled in with. I cant tell if the young guys are homeless or just trying really hard to look that way. A fourth old guy (I'm assuming also homeless) joins them. His only concern for the day is how to get 4 blocks in the rain for cigarettes and how he'll get money to purchase them. As they head out to the community center, I secretly wish my only concern of the day was how to get cigarettes.

Two college girls wander in, one of whom appears to be dressed for a night of partying. Based on the smudged, day old makeup, I'm assuming the outfit already witnessed a night of partying. I also assume at some point earlier that morning she took a walk of shame.

There is a young guy paying for his order who hasn't taken his eyes off his cell phone since he came in the door. I find it fascinating that technology has turned us into a world of people occupying the same places but paying no attention to one another. I'm sure he couldn't tell you how many people were in the restaurant or what any of them looked like. He certainly didn't see me watching him.

As I'm getting ready to leave, a couple sits down next to me. She seems preppy...he seems pseudo-intellectual. She starts to read an article about Britany Spears...something about how the cost of paparazzi pictures has surged...and she has to ask what surge means. Ahhh, the institution of higher learning at its best.